There’s just something so sweet about getting those last few points and completely obliterating an opponent in any kind of Fantasy sport. It becomes even sweeter when you beat your own friend. And it becomes the sweetest thing in the whole damn world when you go on to beat your friend in his own league.
It’s come to that time of year again, Fantasy Football season. And the funny part is that I didn’t even understand any part of football until just last year. I could probably name Jerry Ricecakes as the only player I knew in the NFL. However, that just makes it all the sweeter when last year I finished in at least the Top 3 in all 3 of my leagues, rubbing it into the face of the fools who constantly told me I’d finish in last place. So now I will embark on a new series where I will document my triumphs through the league because everybody knew about Alexander the Great’s victories so why not hear about mine?
This series will only focus on one league, Men of Steel, which is commissioned by the one and only, Kevin, the other scrub blogger on this website. So this one’s personal. We really do agree with a lot of things but I love being contrarian to him just for the opportunity of me being right and him being wrong. I just love being right. Don’t hate me. I really don’t even know why. I just love beating him, which may I mention happens all the time. Anyways, last year I managed to smash my way to 2nd place overall (in the regular season standings and the playoffs) with a duo of WR studs in Demaryius Thomas and Julio Jones along with the surprising contributions of Justin Forsett and Golden Tate – my MVP in nearly every league I played. Well, this year I think I may have crushed last year’s draft even better than the year before with possibly the greatest gamble of a team known to mankind. Just take gander:
Tony Romo is a consistent top 10 quarterback even though he will take a hit with Dez Bryant being out for possibly 6 weeks or even more. But that offensive line is so great that he could have tea time behind it and still have have enough time to make a smart decision for where to throw the ball. Antonio Brown and Odell Beckham Jr. will be both PPR monsters and will anchor this roster. John Brown has the hands, the speed, and a full season of Carson Palmer (hopefully) to become the top receiver in what will seem to be a high-powered Cardinals offense. Gore provides health and upside with Andrew Luck taking all the defense’s attention away. Compared to what Gore had before, he should see routes as wide as the pathway into AND out of Taylor Swift’s heart. We can talk about Carlos Hyde later. If Kyle Rudolph can stay healthy, he can be a top option in Teddy’s offense. I’m probably going to name my first child after Ameer Abdullah. Enough said. Nelson Agholor has been hyped up all preseason. Todd Gurley was an absolute steal in the 8th round, and has bundles of potential for being the playmaker in the Rams’ offense. And Mathews, Parker, Dorsett all could provide great value if the right things kick in. Michaels though I’m dropping him now because while he is possibly the greatest talent in that Dallas backfield, anybody can be a star behind that line. And no, don’t ask me who my kicker and defense are because who the hell cares?
Now that we have set the groundwork; let’s begin another season of Fantasy Football. Week 1 I ended up playing my friend, Muhammad, or TEAM FLASH as he is called in the Men of Steel League. It was complete and total annihilation. I got the biggest blowout of the week with may I mention the highest point total. Yes, I did just beat Kevin by only 0.42 pts for the top scorer in the league for Week 1 but a win’s a win, and from completely dominating Week 1 I am officially in First Place and I have no plans to relinquish my spot at the top anytime soon. May I mention that Yahoo did also give me the Toyota Biggest Blowout Award for the biggest blowout of the week. So I’m not going to blow my horn but I indeed think that I am the greatest for the week. And to you Toyota I can’t thank you enough for this award, I’d like to also thank my family, friends, and of course to you Muhammad for being complete trash this entire week.
While this Week 1 was an easy win and a great way for me to establish my early, utter dominance over this week. I did have one headache I had to deal with — the goddamn rise in overall Tight End quality this week. Just a few days ago I was talking to Kevin about how Tight End is just a horrible position consisting of Gronk and a whole lot of nothing. Thanks to my luck, this week turned out to be the Week of the Tight End. One Tight End that I wasn’t completely buying into the hype leading into the season was Tyler Eiffert who Kevin was a huge supporter of and is. So while my love for my first born son to be, Ameer Abdullah Soe, was in full blossoming, Kevin was just raining down on my parade with Tyler Eiffert’s fantastic week, and I had to accept for some part that he is good because damn did he look good. But while Tyler Eiffert was great, I’ll admit that.
Ok. I’ll also admit that was some pretty shitty trash talk. Kevin is genuinely a really nice guy but don’t worry Internet, I know just the right buttons to cause the fumes to flame from his head. So just you wait, the tears and flames will come.
But to me truthful, the eruption of Tyler Eiffert on Sunday really had me worrying that I wouldn’t even be the top scorer this week. I really didn’t care that much but I did want to do it for my fans (all two of you). I was just worried that all of you wouldn’t be able to hear me gloat with such arrogance and pure confidence after establishing myself as clearly the best in Week 1. But something happened during Monday Night Football, and well I’d just like to introduce all of you to the Absolute Fantasy Destroyer of the week that brought me 32.20 points to scrape the title of the best away from Kevin.
Take that Tyler Eiffert. You piece of shit.
DrunkSportsBros 